This is not going to be a happy post. So if you are looking for gumdrops and lollipops go ahead and stop reading and skip this post. This is a sensitive subject and a difficult one for me and my family. One that weighs on me everyday. Alcoholism. A dirty word. One that I wish I never had to see. When the word is at a distance you can pretend its not really there. Go about your day and lets say ignore it. But when it affects a family member it hits home. Hard. You can ignore it. You can really try. Distance yourself, pretend its not there, laugh it off, make excuses...whatever you need to do to get through your day. But bottom-line its not going to go away. Its going to be your black cloud that will "hang" even when you try to ignore it. I have been through being the support when I have had friends experiencing this dirty word. Been their support as they felt their black cloud and had to make choices for their families. And it sucks. Being the, lets call it "Victim" of a family members alcoholism is not easy. Granted the alcoholic has a heavy battle they are fighting....but they are drunk and happy and half oblivious to the damage they are causing to the "Victim's". I think there is a sense of responsibility the "Victim" feels. Or at least thats the way I feel. You want to fix it. You want to help make it better. But your hands are tied. You have tried what you can. But reasoning with the alcohol is pointless and gets you nowhere. So how do you help? Do you patiently stand by and watch this person destroy their lives? Distance yourself? Wait for the person to hit rock bottom and actually WANT to make it better? The questions could go on and on. And I have yet to find a good answer. Im opening up about this on the blog as I know there are many of you who may have been in my shoes at one time or another. You may have been a "victim". Or maybe there is one or two of you who have been on the other end and been the alcoholic. Please know this post is not about my husband but it is about a close family member. One that I really need to see make a change. One that I know is better than the person they have become. One that I have lost all respect for and one that makes me sad. My black cloud is about full and Im not sure how much more room it has. So that leaves me with...Now what? Im stuck between a rock and a hard place with nowhere to go? This person knows how I feel. Knows they have a problem...But DOES NOT CARE! Not sure what will make them care...but Im back to reasoning with the alcohol is pointless. If they are never sober and can not see the light at the end of the tunnel how do they ever dig themselves out? I can say one thing...I NEVER want to be this person. I dont want anyone to have to go through what I have experienced. I dont want to be someone's black cloud. And I wont be. I could dump every ounce of alcohol out of my house and not care one bit. Half the time I see it as a poision anyway because I have seen the unbearable. We rarely drink in our house and never more than a little bit. No one is ever to the point they are drunk. Its pointless.
This is a bit of a long winded rant and as you can see Im not sure what to do from here. I know several of my family members read this blog so I know you guys get it. We are in this together. Im fine dont worry....Just had a run in with "my black cloud" and wanted to write knowing that others understand....others have been there. Would love to have you guys share...open up...maybe even give some hope?
Thanks for listening (reading)~
Whitney