Its amazing to me that those tiny little words can have such a HUGE controversy. It seems there are not too many people with the attitude do what works for you. It feels like there is such a pull on the HAVE to nurse that it makes new moms a little on edge. Dont get me wrong...I am one of those who believe nursing is better. Its obviously better for the baby, cheaper, more convenient and bonding time for mom/baby. There are many more reasons why it is a good thing. However why is it if you decide you either dont want to nurse or you are unable to or whatever your reason is that you suddenly feel like a failure? Or like you quit? Gave up? Threw in the towel? All negative thoughts. Why cant it just be....It didnt work out...I did my best....and move on? Guilt should not have to be associated with it.
You are probably guessing that I am not nursing or I probably would not be writing this post. Well you guessed right. I gave up, quit, threw in the towel, quit or whatever you want to call it. Believe it or not I went into it with a "Ill see how it goes" attitude. I wanted to nurse but I had said I wouldnt be upset if I couldnt. The circumstances with Lily's birth is really what did me in. If I could have just took my little girl home and started nursing I believe I would have made it a lot further. But having her in the NICU for a week meant...she was already getting bottles and I was pumping like crazy. I suddenly knew how poor cows feel. Sorry but pumping SUCKS...literally. And was not for me. But I did it. I started pumping the day she was born and was giving the NICU any milk I could for Lily. I even made a few attempts at nursing (with help from the lactation person at the hospital multiple times). But with Lily still weak they would not let me try to nurse every feeding as it took too much of her energy. Towards the end of her hospital stay the Doctor said we could work on nursing but that she may be there for 3-5 more days. Sorry....call me selfish but I was at the end of my rope and NEEDED to take my little girl home. I told them I would work on it as she got stronger and not spend 5 more days at the hospital. So we arrive home and I continue to pump them boobs. I made it 4 more days till I finally broke down. Dan was getting a little worried about me...but I felt like I had no control over my life. I know the little ones take part of that control but all I was doing was trying to sleep and pump. I still had to find time to eat, shower and take care of myself. Where in that did I have time to snuggle with my little girl? Or even feed her? If I wanted ANY time to get something done or rest Dan had to feed her while I pumped. I was flat out miserable. I came downstairs the last day and cried. I just couldnt do it anymore.
Dan assured me that it was okay and that Lily got the milk she really needed and she would be just fine. Once I made the decision I felt like a HUGE weight was lifted and I was a new person. No more being worried about me....I was FREE :) LOL. I know that sounds bad...but being married to a Breast Bump. Not fun. If I could have been just nursing and pumping as needed that may have even helped. Still there is a little bit of guilt that hangs on that is brought on by those that surround us. Luckily for me I have had a supportive mom (who did not nurse), friends who also didnt and a pediatrician who did NOT make me feel guilty. I thank them all for their support and if anyone is feeling guilt for NOT nursing come see me :) We should not feel like we are quitters or giving up. We should be able to do the best we can and do what works for YOU and YOUR family. Period. I now get to enjoy my little girl and Dan gets to help with the feedings. Both get that bonding time with her now.
Thats my vent. All is well in the Harlacher Household. Whitney is BACK :) LOL
Thanks for listening (reading)...
~Whitney